The painful patterns that drive us

Many of the maladaptive patterns that we have were created by a trauma we lived through in which we felt a need was not met and that there was no one there for us who would help us to feel safe, stable, worthy and loved . The problem is that these situations are so painful, that while we gather our inner resources and survive them, we also tend to form unconscious beliefs that the need we had will never be met.

We go through life perceiving (looking out with the bias) that that core need is not met in many future situations. Sometimes we believe that we may only have that need met if we behave in ways that are hurtful to ourselves and to others.

We go through life unaware that we are held hostage and shackled by our past, blaming others, feeling defensive and then self righteous when once again it is proven to us that others are not safe and cannot be there for us in the way that we need.

We develop more and more ways to protect ourselves not realizing that many of these are weapons of destruction in our relationships. We end up feeling isolated and alone, with more and more core needs of love and connection being shelved as a maladaptive way to keep ourselves safe from hurting. We become more inward focus, we become more wary, we take less risks, we feel more anxious, angry, abandoned and alone.

We end up feeling broken with our hearts shut down and in the shutting down of our hearts we lose a sacred and key part of our ability to heal through connection and healthy attachment to others.

The first step to healing is recognizing there is a pattern that we are engaging in and knowing that we are in service to an adaptation created in a traumatic situation. This alone is deserving of our deep compassion and an understanding that the origins of this way of being requires us to be gentle and forgiving of ourselves. We can commit ourselves to not being in service but to learn how to be in ownership of ourselves, to care for our wounds and make room for the grief; knowing that in healing, we create space to find our authentic voice. When we find our voice and are in ownership of ourselves we are able to ask for what we need in the moment rather than be experiencing the present held hostage by past trauma.